a note on my first love

This feeling between them went beyond love, hate or passion. It was a committed resignation that theirs was to be a difficult love, one that ventured into strange lands, one that required sacrifice, selfwill and determination. He denied it and she knew that this was the only kind of love they both could truly believe in, because it was the only kind that satisfied their mutual need for personal conviction and profound desire. Their desperate need to fight for whatever they believed in.

They were both fighters in their own way. He was a resolute fighter against life’s unpredictable enemies, the kind of warrior who fought for stability and comfort in an imaginary home. She, on the other hand, was a freedom fighter who fought for everything she believed in, beliefs that were absolute and unwavering because she felt she had the right to. They admired each other and this was to contribute greatly to their intense love and hate for each other.

They were both so self possessed, it was the reason why they believed that the feeling they had was pure and true. It came from deep down within, it appealed to their inner core in a fierce form of animalistic attraction. Throughout their lives, he was the meticulous one, planning life’s every battle on a tactical map. With her, he was irrational and indecisive whenever she was resolute and determined. She was the spontaneous one, sleepwalking through life’s pleasures but so frightfully awake when her emotions were stirred. They were the anti-thesis of each other and yet they had fallen in love.

This was to be the source of all their conflict. That they hated each other yet loved each other so much. There was no denying that they admired each other’s strength of character – yet they often fought and detested each other for the same reason. For theirs was a destructive sort of love, all encompassing, deeply personal and completely selfish.

"if i wanted you to burn I would have fallen in love with you"

Lost and Found

All the clocks were broken that afternoon
The scent of green tea candles filled the room
They promised each other love
They promised each other sleep
Then, like a rising symphony
The scaling footsteps out the door

Enlightenment burned like the sun
It was not until then, that having a heart
Was a cruel, detestable affliction
All that was lost was lost over again
Waves of forgetfulness tides in like the sea
Under the drowning sounds of nature’s underground
Life could resume naturally,
Some common sense could be found

Sometimes, some days one could certainly see
The material remains laid out like a museum
But who knew what they meant anymore
Out of time, out of space they resembled sleeping bulbs.

Did history and time change all of what we did?
In the end, that dark grey day when we lay in bed
Do we, will we dare to say with belief,
That all we did, we did not know what we did?
Would he or she remember each other?
What was said and what was promised in slumber?


When and if we look into the pendulum’s swing
That destructive arc that wears and tears
Will we look back to those moments where love and wonder
Strung our tunes together like a melodious pair?

When, and if we shall meet again
Behind us the sun that’s setting and our hearts,
No longer so loud and brave in beating
Will we love and love again,
Our memories taking over bodily actions
Will we be the same as we remembered
Like the dreams we had through the years of slumber?

the disadvantages of being happy

No, I don't hear the sea outside anymore. It so happens that I am back at home, I'm closing my eyes trying to visualize the blue and the swishing sound. But I'm still at home and I cannot seem to go anywhere. I hate this feeling. I just got back from the beach this weekend and I've locked myself in my room trying to shut out the cars and concrete.

This isn't ideal. The last few months I have been rather happy, which means that I have not had the inspiration to write. The disadvantages of being happy; only a handful of unfortunate few could understand what I mean. My head is empty as a balloon, light and flying to nowhere and everywhere. I have not had an opinion for a long time because there are lesser darker shades in my world and i cant make out the big picture. I just want to keep the situation status quo and yet I desire for that dark undercurrent that will wash me away from this shore.