The search for coherence.

The world is inherently an irrational place.

Perhaps thats we ruthlessly try to colonize it, tearing it apart, deconstructing it, only to replace it with notions of logic and the orderly. With what we call civilization and society. And deep down inside don't we all hate it.

For years i've been trying to make sense out of this life, trying to grasp for some kind of pattern and meaning and each time i just sink deeper into the quick sand. It evades me and i've learnt to evade it too, fearing to find out what i'll find beneath it all. What is this savagery that we call life? The trouble we go through to deceive ourselves away from the primal and carnal instincts of survival.

Sometimes i go through these movements, seeing only colours and light. Everything exists like an Impressionistic painting - the spectacle of modernity comes as a blur presenting itself as it is, devoid of meaning. Everything is obfuscated. Everything is rejected. Where is the certainty? Where is the solidity that is supposed to be?

the burden of thought weighs so much over me sometimes i could possibly combust. it cant possibly be that me, I, am merely just as an intersection of chance between mind, body, soul, reality, dream, memory, love, friendship..every damn department of life.

And these multiple planes of vision...separate voices, is there a point where it might converge like the roots of some mathematical function? That school believes it to be a calculation...and i'm tired of that.